5:28
So, I'm here to talk, now. This is probably going to be one of those long journals, but not like my usual long journals. I don't have a lot to talk about, just one thing. Normally I probably wouldn't have done this, but I feel like it's one of those things that has to be out. If I keep it to myself it's going to destroy me, so I need to tell people.

Last Saturday night, my best friend tried to kill himself. I had been texting with him a lot the entire week before, and he had been really depressed and was having lots of anxiety attacks, probably due to a Zoloft withdrawal (he didn't quit on his own, I wouldn't have let him do that. His therapist told him to quit cold turkey).

I had been at home, and in the other room watching a movie with my mom that night. I went into my bedroom after the movie and had two missed calls and two voicemails from him. Without going into any detail, both of the messages were asking me to call him because he needed to talk to me. I got ahold of him again at 11:15. I had an idea how he was feeling from the messages he left me, but I didn't expect how bad he really was.

It was hard trying to get him to tell me what was going on, and I don't think he really knew too clearly what caused it either. But he said he wanted to kill himself, and that was all it took. We have been friends for about 8 years now, and early in our friendship we made a pact that anytime one of us was going to attempt suicide, we had to call the other to give them a chance to talk us out of it. We each made those calls a few times while we were still in high school, but I guess either forgot or haven't found much need to since then. I was glad he had called me, but only a few minutes into the call, when things were actually starting to move ahead, his wife got home and he hung up on me.

I called him, and texted him a few times, telling him that I would wait up, because I needed to hear from him again, I needed to know he was going to be ok, or to talk to him if he wasn't. And I waited. Three hours I stayed up without hearing from him before I realized that I needed to get some sleep. So I put my phone on my bed where it would wake me if I got a call or text, and got a few hours of really light sleep.

Around 5:30 in the morning on Sunday he finally texted me back, after he was released from the ER. When his wife had gotten home, and found out what was going on, she called 911. I still am not absolutely positive of the exact timeline, but he had cut his arm up, stopping either before or while he was talking to me. He then was going to take all of his meds to try and overdose. Luckily his wife got home in time to stop him from starting that, because I don't think he was really listening to me.

We talked Sunday morning for a while, and it was when we finally stopped talking around 8:00 was when I started having problems dealing with it. First I was sad and in shock, but then later that day I started to get really angry at him for doing that. I'm not angry at him anymore, but I'm really not sure what I feel about the whole thing.

I think I have developed an acute stress disorder, after what happened Saturday night. My counselor mentioned it yesterday at my appointment, and when I looked it up, all the symptoms fit. It's kind of a shorter, less extreme type of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), lasting from 2 days to 4 weeks within the first 4 weeks after experiencing a trauma. It's had me feeling pretty depressed, and my anxiety has been really high for a few days. So that's kind of my explanation of why I'm not horribly active lately. And, in case you didn't see it there, I have put all updates at ~Obey-Me on hiatus.

So, that's what happened. I don't think I posted this looking for anything from anyone, I just needed to say it. You might have noticed too the time noted at the top of the journal. I knew when I started it that it was going to be hard to write this, and I wanted to see just how hard it was by timing myself. It is now 6:09. 40 minutes after I started.


"They say you grow outta loving rock 'n' roll but it's such a huge part of me. It feels like music raised me, adopted me, saved my life." -Nikki Sixx

Plugin' it baybee. . . .PRoach Riot

Recent Submissions (Yes, I love them ):
The Plague Pt 1
Relapse
Dirt
After the Rapture Pt 2
After the Rapture Pt 1
Don't You Know?


Poetry Exercises/Challenges:
11/10/08 - 10-line poem in which each line is a lie:
Ten Thousand Lies
11/11/08 - Circular/Crime Poem (description on dev):
Circular/Crime Poem
11/12/08 - Poem using any sense primarily except sight:
Autumn's Pillow
11/13/08 - Endless Poem (description on dev):
4:20 PM




i'll.cross.my.heart
i'll.hope.to.die
but.the.needle
is.already.in.my.eye


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My Art Account:

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Featured piece at
~TheBlackFlame:
Sun Tattoo
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